What is Gottman Method couples therapy?

Gottman method couples therapy is based on over 40 years of research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute in Seattle, Washington. Dr. John Gottman is a world-renowned relationship researcher whose comprehensive longitudinal research into what makes committed relationships work is unparalleled by any other researcher in the world. Based on their systematic groundbreaking observations of thousands of couples, Drs. John and Julie Gottman developed a simple, practical, and highly effective model for healthy relationships called the Sound Relationship House, which is both easy to teach and implement in everyone’s lives.

Gottman Method couples therapy takes these four plus decades of research, the model, and converts it into a structured, transparent, effective method of couples therapy that has been shown to improve relationships in multiple research studies. While there are other couples therapy methods that are also based on relationship research and outcome studies, we believe none of them have the scientific backing, the structured and effective skill-building, and the practical tools and techniques that make Gottman Method couples therapy easy to understand and integrate into any committed intimate relationship. At The Center For Relationships, all of our associates receive training and weekly supervision from a Gottman Master Trainer to implement this method successfully.

What happens during Gottman Method couples therapy?

When you request Gottman Method couples therapy, we will first get to know both of you and your relationship history using the Gottman scientific protocol for evaluating the strengths and challenges in a relationship. This includes a clinical interview where we trace the trajectory of your relationship history, a conflict sample where we understand what your communication skills and challenges are, a thorough online questionnaire that both partners complete from the Gottman Institute, and two individual meetings with each partner. Your counselor will then meet with both of you to share the relationship assessment based on the Sound Relationship House model and collaboratively arrive at a treatment plan that outlines the specific goals and outcomes that you wish to achieve. Following this treatment planning session, the counselor meets with the couple for approximately 6-12 sessions where they teach the couple specific Gottman conflict management, friendship, and shared meaning skills.

Finding the Fit With The Gottman Method

The reason I became a Gottman method couples therapist was because in 1999 my own marriage was in trouble, and I was not willing to break up my family or give up on my marriage with someone that I truly loved. Being a therapist myself, I persuaded (a.k.a dragged) my husband to couples therapy. We went to probably five different couples therapists in our area. None of them could offer us a reasonable, hands-on plan or technique that we could take home. As a matter of fact, most of the couples therapists seemed lost and confused about how to help us. They would basically try to do individual therapy with each of us in the room. This often led to one of us having to sit and watch while the other person was being worked with, or hearing comments from therapists such as, “If you could learn to do X better, then your marriage will improve.” We often left these couples therapy sessions more frustrated, more angry and resentful at each other. Sometimes hearing feedback in the couples session that was difficult to forget or forgive. It made us question how couples therapy was even helping us, and we even had two or three of the five therapists give up on us and tell us that we should get a divorce. Which is not the answer we went to couples therapy looking for. None of them seemed to have a structured approach or a sound clinical foundation for a relational systemic understanding about marriages.

About the same time, in my professional career at the University of Texas at Austin as a staff psychologist, I was asked to work with foreign students who were living in international student housing with their spouses, and facing a lot of challenges, stress, and difficulties in adapting to American culture and preserving their marital happiness while in this stressful environment. None of the couples therapy methods I had studied up until that point that came from well-known psychological theories, such as Psychodynamic theory, Cognitive Behavioral theory, or Social Learning Theory, made sense to these or provided them with the practical tools to make substantive changes in relationships.

Feeling frustrated and disappointed, both personally and professionally, I began asking colleagues for suggestions on what I should study. And one of my colleagues suggested that I read one of John Gottman’s Books, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. When I read this book, I felt that John Gottman had been watching me and my husband in our living room, and that he understood our marriage. Within a few pages of that book, I felt like he understood our marriage better than any other therapist we had seen thus far. And none of his understanding required us to go back into our childhoods, or talk about our deep-seated psychological injuries, or our pathological character. His approach was simple, straightforward, and honest. It talked about the kinds of small behavioral changes my husband and I would need to make on a daily basis to turn the ship of our marriage around from chaos to contentment.

When I applied Gottman’s ideas to my international student couples, his concepts were so easy to translate into a variety of foreign languages, and everyone understood what I was talking about in terms of improving their friendship, or learning to listen and communicate differently during conflict.

Soon after that, my husband and I went to Seattle and attended the Art and Science of Love weekend couples retreat at the Gottman Institute. My husband, who has an engineering brain, had disliked most of the theories or concepts our previous couples therapists had proposed. But sitting in the Gottman couples retreat, he repeatedly expressed surprise and agreement with the scientific conclusions that Gottman had reached, with his methodology of observation, and really appreciated the simple practical steps he was being asked to take to improve our marriage. At one point, he turned to me and said, “Honey, I can do this.” That is the first time I had heard my husband express optimism about a therapeutic approach towards relationships. This is when I realized that the Gottman Method may be the perfect vehicle for us to build the bridge between my psychological, emotional and relational style to my husband’s logical and analytical style.

So how do you know if this method is a right fit for your partnership? If you are the kind of couple that…

Doesn’t want to spend years and tens of thousands of dollars on couples therapy that focuses on transforming each of you from the inside-out.
Wants straight answers with practical tools that you can implement from day one.
Wants your couples therapist to offer tools and tips based on solid science and not their personal or clinical experience.
Likes to understand the logical and empirical foundations behind why you should do certain things.

If you are looking for couples therapy informed by solid research, systematic analysis and planning, and an organized approach to teaching skills or repairing dysfunctional patterns in relationships, you might be interested in Gottman Method couples therapy.

If you are interested in reading more therapist perspectives on Gottman method couples therapy, here are some resources to gain more information.

Dr. Vagdevi Explains How She Integrates Gottman Method in Therapy

More Blogs at The Gottman Institute

If you would like to try out Gottman Method couples therapy, The Center For Relationships currently offers virtual counseling or coaching. By requesting a consultation, we can match you with a trained therapist who can provide insight and advice on how to start Gottman Method counseling with your partner. We also hold frequent groups and events that utilize the Gottman method to provide advanced support or training to both couples and therapists.

Why Choose Gottman Method Couples Therapy