Strengthen Your Relationship: Throw Your Own “Parade”!
Many families work the “What are you thankful for?” conversation into their annual holiday meals, with answers ranging from groans to jokes to earnest sharing – and responses from the family running a similar gamut, hopefully in the supportive vein.
Though it may seem hokey, psychological research conducted by Shelly L. Gable and Harry T. Reis gives reason to believe that sharing good news is just as important to your close relationships as supporting each other through the hard times – in fact, doing this arguably easier and more pleasant work in your close relationships can strengthen bonds and lighten the tough times!
Let’s get into the specifics of Gable and Reis’s findings, as well as how you can apply that in your own relationships – especially, as is probably on your mind, your primary relationship with an intimate partner.
Negative & Positive Emotion
Gable and Reis point out that, over time, psychology research has tilted largely toward how people handle negative events. Perhaps this is because psychological research and therapy has early roots in assessment and therapy meant to locate and eliminate psychological disorders and also falls in line with the medical view of human functioning which is diagnosis and treatment focused. This led to a rather skewed perspective on human experience, orienting towards problems and solutions and taking action to alleviate acute human suffering by focusing on it. Since the turn of the century, there has been a shift towards researching and writing about human flourishing, positive psychology, and what makes us humans thrive and grow.
Hand-in-hand with this imbalance in research, Gable as well as other researchers note that different parts of the brain and nervous system regulate positive versus negative emotions – that is, managing one does not necessarily affect the other, and researching one does not necessarily illuminate the other.
The research of Barbara Fredrickson and The Gottmans has shown that a focus on positive moments and experiences has a protective function for individuals and relationships. Our brains are wired to remember and selectively focus on negative experiences because they have survival value. However, intentionally focusing on the positive and rehearsing or practicing positive qualities such as gratitude, appreciation, positive emotions, and scanning the environment for what is going right can help us rise above or recover from negative experiences faster and better.
The Power of Capitalization
There is a psychological term for talking about positive things that happen to you; it’s called capitalization. You have likely experienced capitalization if you have ever felt so excited from good news that you just had to tell someone.
For example:
Reading an acceptance letter and running into the next room to tell your parents
Sharing that you’re officially dating someone with your friend group
Getting a promotion and calling your partner at your first free moment in the workday
You could say that these moments occur when happiness and pride bubble up, uncontained and we help regulate ourselves by sharing it with others. For larger events – like announcing a pregnancy or graduating from college – most societies have rituals for celebrating and showering enthusiastic wishes when these large events take place, such as “Congratulations! That’s so amazing! You did it!”
Gable and Reis’s 2010 research demonstrates that one does not need to wait for these large events to happen in order to celebrate with enthusiasm. Instead, they look at the importance of enthusiastic capitalization on small, positive events in close relationships.
What’s a “small, positive event”?
Cooking a satisfying meal (even better if it happens to photograph nicely!)
Beating your average runtime for a mile
Making a new friend at work
Getting a project done on time and feeling good about your contribution
Cleaning out the pantry or closet that was a chaotic mess
Gable and Reis point out the linchpin of their small moment capitalization findings: the positive impact of capitalization depends on the enthusiasm and emotional availability of the responder, along with the fact that the responder is a close person in your life, like a romantic partner, good friend, or trusted mentor, sibling, or parent-figure – meaning that it is someone who knows you well and you share a long time close relationship with them. If the large events of our lives are the foundations and pillars of relationships, these small interactions comprise the bricks and mortar, nuts and bolts. While we may not feel one missing bolt or one chipped brick, the accumulated lack of care, maintenance, or even damage make a difference in the stability and enjoyment of our relationships over time.
So, how can we be intentional about our approach to enthusiastically sharing good news in close relationships?
Breaking Down the Process
Gable and Reis have defined three parts to capitalization. While this might seem a bit mechanical for an interaction that should feel spontaneous, understanding these steps can help you not only understand why some moments generate positive outcomes in your relationships but also how to take advantage of small good news to generate and maintain a higher level of positive energy in your life. See if you can spot these three aspects next time you or a partner share something positive:
Capitalization Attempts: This is the actual sharing of the update, small or large. One conversational partner opens up about a favorable event in their life in a similar vein to Gottman’s bids for connection.
Responses to Attempts: The receiver of the news ideally responds in a positive, engaged way. The Gottmans found that you can respond to bids for connection by turning towards, turning away, or turning against. Within each type of response there are low level and high level responses. For example a low level turning towards response might be a simple acknowledgement or acceptance. It still counts as a “turning towards,” but it doesn’t add positive energy and increase closeness or provide the neuro-protective effects. Or the responder could give their full attention, show interest and curiosity, and respond with enthusiasm, energy or emotions and the turning towards response becomes a high level response. It increases the closeness, safety, and attunement within the relationship and produces positive effects that can last a longer time (the after-glow).
Perceived Availability of Capitalization Support: The sharer registers how the partner receives and reacts to their news, often unconsciously. This crafts their own mental framing of the event and their emotions toward the relationship, adding up in a particular direction over time. Similarly, the Gottman research found that if a bid is responded to enthusiastically, the chances that the partner will re-bid goes up by a significant percentage. So positive bids and turns lead to more positive bids and turns and create a feeling of attunement and togetherness.
As you can see, there are a few key moments where the process can take a downturn or an upturn. The sharing partner could fail to communicate clearly enough to help the listener understand the event’s importance. They could be timid or flat in their delivery, hiding their true happiness surrounding the event. The listening partner could also take this moment to give their partner valuable attention – or their inattentiveness might show.
Upward Spirals
You’ve likely heard of downward spirals – the proliferation of negative emotion psychology has helped make the term common. However the opposite is also true, upward spirals can also happen. One of the reasons the positive, high-energy version of the capitalization process works so well is its generative effect on upward spirals.
How so?
Research has shown that happiness has some correlation to success. A major factor seems to be “broad-minded coping” – in other words, when you generally feel content, you can more readily take a step back and gain perspective in unfavorable situations. This allows you to find multiple solutions to your problems, calling on all the mental, emotional, and social resources available.
We see the inverse in depression, in which problem-solving abilities are narrowed, leading to a cycle of negative emotions in response to unwanted events that seem to have no solutions.
When you make a capitalization attempt with higher energy and optimism, and your partner responds in kind, you both come away from that interaction with greater happiness, a warm after glow, and positive lasting effects inside both of your nervous systems. Step by step, you are helping send each other into upward spirals.
Drumroll… Practical Applications
So, how can we cultivate robust capitalization processes? And what does this mean for “real life”?
For one, if you didn’t already feel convinced to engage in self-care, here is persuasive evidence that it matters – your partner notices when you’re not able to show up emotionally. And you both feel the effects of each other’s emotional absence or presence.
This may be a lightbulb for you: What is “showing up”? What is emotional presence? How do I share myself with others? These are all essential questions to our relational lives. Many of us did not arrive in adulthood equipped with these skills at an organic level. We have to actively and consistently seek out professional psychological education or therapy to help us find healthy, adaptive answers to these questions.
Furthermore, you can use this process to troubleshoot relationships experiencing tension, especially the mysterious, “I can’t quite put my finger on it” kind. You may think the problem is some large and looming past mistake, but maybe you’re simply missing each other’s capitalization cues.
Parades vs. News Reports
I like to use two terms to facilitate healthy capitalization among couples and close relationships:
News Reports: Telling your partner the facts of a good thing that happened to you without sharing how it made you feel. The partner responds in kind, with emotions that amount to “Got it, information received.” That’s about as much fun as reading the financial headlines.
Parades: Telling your partner the facts of a favorable thing that happened to you and relaying how good it made you feel, with energy and openness. Conveying an update to your partner in this way sets the stage for them to respond with glowing enthusiasm and validation. You’re trading “good vibes” in the moment and learning more about each other for the long run.
Since a parade and a news report contrast so clearly, I hope this sticks as a reminder for you. Next time your partner shares something positive, however small, don’t let that moment go to waste. Instead, savor it with them and sprinkle in your unique brand of enthusiasm and kudos. Remember it costs very little to add positive energy to an interaction and there are many rewards that can accrue from this habit.
And coming back to this particular season, I’m sure you can see how this applies to the holidays now, too: as you sit around the table this holiday season recounting your blessings or things you are grateful for in your past year, bolster the goodwill of your gathering when someone shares good news. Throw them a parade!