My Therapist Ghosted Me: Navigating the Dating Game of Therapy in 2024
The Ghosting Epidemic
In a world where ghosting has moved beyond Tinder and into the realm of mental health, finding a couples therapist who actually responds to your emails can feel like it has worse odds than playing the lottery to win. But don’t despair! You're not alone. The modern therapist hunt comes with its own set of challenges, and we are here to help you navigate them.
The "Perfect Match" Fallacy
Much like dating, we’re all looking for “the one” when it comes to therapists. Someone who understands us, takes our insurance, has availability that fits our schedule, and doesn’t give us that weird “are you even listening?” vibe.
Spoiler alert: Finding this mythical unicorn might take a few tries.
This mythical unicorn therapist may not even exist! On your search for the best therapist for you, remember to:
Look your therapist up online. Try Google for a general search and check out Psychology Today for more about their professional approach to therapy.
Check out their website or social media pages. An active and up-to-date website or social media page hints that these therapists may stay more active with you. (That means no ghosting!)
Make a list of your non-negotiables.
Be realistic about results – real connection takes time.
Talk to your partner about what they are looking for in a therapist.
The trick is to keep swiping (metaphorically speaking) until you find a good fit. You may have to meet with several different therapists before you find “the one”.
The Unique Problems of a Couples Therapist Search
Finding the right couples therapist is uniquely challenging. Unlike individual therapy, where the focus is on one person, couples therapy requires a therapist to navigate the dynamics between two people, often in high-stakes, emotionally charged situations. Many therapists may be skilled in individual work but lack the specialized training for couples therapy, which involves managing both partners' perspectives and emotions simultaneously. This makes finding a therapist who truly understands the complexities of relationships—and who can effectively guide both you and your partner—an even tougher task. You’re not just looking for someone who fits your needs; you need someone who can connect with both of you and has the expertise to help your relationship thrive. Asking the right questions upfront can help you ensure you’re making the best choice for your partnership.
10 Questions For Your Couples Therapist
Save these for your first session!
1. What’s your approach to couples therapy?
"So, what’s your game plan for us? Are we diving into deep emotional waters right away, or will there be floaties involved?"
Understanding your therapist's methodology is crucial. Are they more structured, following a specific model like Gottman or Emotionally Focused Therapy? Or are they more eclectic, tailoring their approach to what fits best for you as a couple? Knowing this can help you gauge if their style aligns with your needs. Once you know your therapist's approach, take some time to research it online. Understanding their methodology can help you feel more prepared and ensure that you're on the same page from the start.
2. How often will we meet?
"How often do you recommend we meet, and how long are the sessions?"
Couples therapy isn’t always a once-a-week, one-hour session like individual therapy. The frequency and length of sessions can vary depending on the needs of your relationship. Some therapists might suggest longer sessions or more frequent meetings, especially at the beginning, to really dive into the issues at hand. Understanding the recommended 'dose' of therapy can help you gauge if their approach matches your expectations and availability. Some couples need more frequent or intensive sessions at the start of their journey whereas others may do just fine with a steady drip of their couples therapy dose. Be skeptical of a therapist who has one way of working with all types of clients: individual, couples, or family.
3. How do you handle conflict in sessions?
"What happens when one of us starts throwing emotional daggers? Do you referee or let us duke it out?"
Conflict is inevitable in therapy, just as it is in relationships. It’s important to know how your therapist manages these moments. Will they step in, or let the tension escalate from a simmer to a boil? This helps you understand what to expect when things get heated.
4. What are your expectations of us as a couple?
"Are we expected to do homework? What if we hit a relationship iceberg between sessions? Are you available to steer us away from disaster?
Therapy isn’t just a weekly chat; it often involves work outside the session. Ask about expectations for between-session activities, like reading, journaling, or practicing new skills. Know what your options are for crises in-between sections. Life doesn’t always stick to a weekly schedule, and sometimes urgent issues arise. Knowing your therapist’s availability for crises or pressing concerns can provide peace of mind, and knowing what’s expected can help you both stay engaged and committed.
5. How do you measure progress in couples therapy?
"How will we know if we’re winning at this therapy thing? Is there a scoreboard?"
Progress in therapy can be subtle and slow, so it’s good to know how your therapist tracks it. Do they use specific tools or assessments, or is it more about the overall feeling in the room? This question can help you stay motivated and aware of your growth.
6. What happens if one of us isn’t on board with the therapy process?
"What if one of us decides mid-journey that this therapy train isn’t the right ride?"
Sometimes, one partner might lose enthusiasm or question the process. Ask your therapist how they handle these situations. Will they address it in the sessions, or offer individual sessions to explore these feelings? It’s important to know how they navigate rough patches.
7. How do you ensure that both of our voices are heard?
"What if one of us is more talkative? How do you keep the balance?"
In couples therapy, it’s easy for one partner to dominate the conversation. Ask your therapist how they ensure both partners get equal airtime. This is key to feeling equally valued and understood.
8. What’s your policy on confidentiality in couples therapy?
"If one of us spills a secret, does it stay in the vault or get shared?"
Confidentiality can get tricky in couples therapy, especially if one partner shares something in confidence. Ask about their policy on this to avoid any surprises down the road.
9. How long do you anticipate we’ll need to be in therapy?
"Are we in this for the long haul, or can we expect to graduate with flying colors soon?"
Every relationship is different, and so is the duration of therapy. Ask your therapist about their typical timeline for seeing results. While they can’t predict the future, they can give you a general sense of what to expect.
10. How do you handle termination of therapy?
"When we’re ready to spread our wings and fly solo, how do you help us land safely?"
Ending therapy is a process too. Ask how your therapist handles the termination phase. Do they provide follow-up sessions or resources to help you maintain your progress? Knowing this can help you feel supported even as you move on.
Compatibility Check
Therapist shopping isn’t just about credentials; it’s about chemistry. Do they “get” you? Can they handle the intricacies of your relationship without making you feel like you're the one who’s crazy? It’s okay to be picky. Remember, this person is going to be knee-deep in your relationship drama, so you better like them.
Red Flags 🚩
Choosing the right couples therapist is crucial, but knowing when to walk away is just as important. Here are some red flags that should make you reconsider your choice¹.
Unresponsiveness: If your therapist can’t respond to your initial email or call in a timely manner, it raises concerns about their availability during a crisis. A therapist who struggles to communicate effectively from the start might not be reliable when you need them most.
Generic Advice: Therapy isn’t a one-size-fits-all situation. If your therapist is dishing out cookie-cutter solutions that don’t address your specific needs as a couple, it might be time to move on. You deserve personalized strategies tailored to your unique relationship dynamics.
Judgmental Vibes: The therapy room should feel like a safe space where you can open up without fear of judgment. If you sense that your therapist is silently critiquing or judging you, that’s a serious red flag. Therapy should be a place of support and understanding, not judgment.
Lack of Structure: While flexibility is important, couples therapy should also have a clear structure. If your sessions feel aimless or disorganized, it may indicate that your therapist lacks a solid approach to guiding you and your partner through your issues.
Chooses Sides: Couples therapy is about balance. If your therapist consistently sides with one partner, it can create a sense of division rather than unity. A good therapist remains squarely in both of your corners, helping both partners feel heard and understood.
Conflict Avoidant: Healthy conflict is a part of any relationship, and avoiding it can be detrimental. If your therapist shuts down arguments too quickly in an attempt to maintain peace, they may be missing valuable opportunities to help you both grow. It’s okay to let you and your partner engage in some heated discussions—sometimes, that’s where the real breakthroughs happen.
Gives Up Too Easily: A good therapist should believe in the possibility of growth and reconciliation, even when the going gets tough. If your therapist seems too quick to suggest that you throw in the towel or implies that certain issues are beyond help, it might be a sign that they’re not fully invested in helping you find a way forward.
When to Move On
Not every therapist is going to be the right fit, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean therapy isn’t for you; it just means that particular therapist isn’t for you. Don’t be afraid to call it quits if you’re not feeling it after a few sessions. There are plenty of other therafish in the sea.
Do you choose this therapist? “I do!”
When you finally find someone who seems like they might be the right fit, don’t be shy. If you’ve had previous therapists, this is a great time to talk about what went well, and what didn’t. Ask questions, share your concerns, and be up front about what you’re looking for. This is your relationship on the line, after all.
Finding the right therapist in 2024 may feel like a part-time job, but the right match is worth the effort. So, keep “swiping”, emailing, and calling until you find the one who’s not going to ghost you—because your relationship deserves it.
At The Center for Relationships in Austin, we understand what our clients experience in the therapist dating scene in 2024. We have heard the stories, complaints, and grief of clients searching for the right therapist for them. We are here to help you find the right fit – whether that’s with a therapist on our team or another trusted therapist in our network.
© The Center for Relationships 2024. Not to be reproduced in any form without written permission and appropriate credit.
Citations
1. Doherty, W. (2023, December 13). Bad couples therapy. Psychotherapy Networker. https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/article/bad-couples-therapy/