Asian American Relationships: The Duality of Tradition and Modernity
May is designated as Asian American Heritage Month and we wanted to use this time to take a closer look at some common issues present in Asian American relationships.
While it goes without saying that Asian Americans are far from a monolith, hailing from a wide variety of countries and cultures, researchers have found certain commonalities across the board.
In this post, we will cover:
specific relationship issues that many Asian American couples face,
the unfortunate stigma about seeking help for mental health problems,
and what mental health professionals are doing to break down these barriers.
Cultural Influences on Asian American Relationship Dynamics
Let’s start by looking at how western cultures’ societal norms and the cultural norms of Asian cultures interact and impact relationship dynamics.
Traditional Beliefs vs. the Desire for “Modernity”
One of the biggest overarching themes in the research on Asian relationships is the constant push-pull between traditional beliefs and values and the desire for modernity.
This is particularly evident in the changing needs of those in long-term relationships, where western influences have raised the importance of values like intimacy and egalitarianism in both men and women, leading to dissatisfaction between couples where these values are not shared or worked on.¹
Another factor: the move from living arrangements that involve extended family members to nuclear households. This increases each partner’s reliance on the primary marital relationship for all their needs, and has produced unique challenges for Asian couples.
The duality is even more pronounced in Asian American women, many of whom strongly support the increased opportunities western culture offers for women in terms of education, career opportunities, and personal growth, but also reject western social norms that would reduce the importance of family, religion, and home life in general.²
What results is a tension between partners over traditional values and modes of behavior that neither really understands how to resolve.
Generational Divide
It will probably come as little surprise to any immigrant to the U.S. to hear that first generation immigrants – especially those who are older or already married – tend to adhere more to the cultural and societal norms of their birth country. This can result in conflict and emotional distress in romantic relationships, when the beliefs of first generation immigrants clash with those of 1.5 and higher generation immigrants.³
Often, younger generations who are more socialized into American culture face pressures from parents and other older relatives and acquaintances to be more loyal to their family values. This occurs because the beliefs and values of those older generations – typically more traditional – do not mesh well with the modern attitudes younger generations have. These pressures can cause stress within the relationship as each partner both tries to meet the other’s needs while also coping with pressure from parents and relatives to be loyal to the cultural mores.
Another way this issue can manifest is when people from two different immigrant generations are involved in a relationship – even if they are the same age. Both people are dealing with pressures from within and from outside, and the ability to communicate and compromise with each other around this topic becomes crucial to the relationship satisfaction.
When the partners in a relationship come from different immigrant generations, the first generation immigrant is likely to share more values from their home country, while someone who was born in the U.S. or has spent most of their life here will tend to adhere to American relationship norms. It is not uncommon for each partner to judge and hold beliefs about the other partner’s generation that can color the conflicts in the relationship.
Other Factors That Might Create Complexity in Asian American Relationships
Level of Acculturation
Acculturation refers to the level to which an individual has come to accept the norms and beliefs of their new society as compared to those of their originating country. The opposite of this is enculturation, which essentially means continuing to follow the beliefs of their native society.
While there’s definitely overlap here between the generational divide, someone’s level of acculturation is more personal, commonly related to religious beliefs, social connections, and so on. In other words, it’s quite possible for someone relatively new to America to be more acculturated to American society than another immigrant who has lived here for years.⁴ This level of acculturation or enculturation can impact each partner’s choice of food, clothing, social decisions, and even television shows – all of which can become sources of conflict in the relationship.
Interestingly, studies have found that South Asian women who display higher levels of acculturation also report increased levels of sexual desire and functioning.⁵ This might cause differences in expectations for intimacy or sexual behavior between partners.
Collectivist vs. Individualistic Beliefs
Typically, Asian cultures are collectivist in nature, whereas American values tend to be very individualistic. Research has shown that those in collectivist societies communicate differently with relationship partners than people in individualistic societies.⁶ For example, someone with a collectivist lens sees all the choices they make as impacting the larger family system, while the individualistically oriented partner sees choices as private and personal.
It’s probably fairly obvious that this can create a recipe for big problems when people from different sides of that divide come together. Further, uprooting a couple used to living in a collectivist society and placing them in the U.S. can cause issues because they will not have the same support system or coping strategies for helping to navigate these transitions.
Changing Gender Roles
We already touched on how AsianAmerican women, in particular, can struggle with the duality of wanting to remain traditional in some ways, while embracing certain aspects of western modernity. It goes deeper than that, however, when gender roles, collectivist identity, and western socialization all come together to cause turmoil in the individual and in the relationship.
Many Asian cultures have a traditional view of the roles of men and women, with men expected to be providers and protectors, while women are responsible for the family and the home.
There is a tension between changing gender roles both in the home cultures as well as for Asian individuals in the US and couples trying to navigate this loaded issue within the marriage. This can cause friction between partners in a couple of ways:
Differing Beliefs about Each Person’s Role. When partners’ individual beliefs about gender roles do not match, it can lead to feelings of frustration and inadequacy⁷, causing fights and worse.⁸
Internal Struggle Regarding Your Role. Even if you have a supportive partner who is happy to negotiate what your role will be in the relationship, it can be difficult to evolve from ingrained behaviors and beliefs – even as you yearn to expand your horizons and try new things. This internal conflict can bleed into the relationship, resulting in arguments and emotional distance.
Family and community judgments. Even if the couple successfully navigates their internal roles and gender expectations, the larger Asian community or relatives may express judgment and disappointment if the couple does not adhere to traditional roles and behavior as husband and wife.
Despite all of these factors raising the potential for relationship strife and impacting relationship satisfaction, it is surprising to observe that a high percentage of Asian Americans never seek out help. This is a main question being explored in this post.
The Mental Health Stigma and How It Prevents Seeking Relationship Support
Plenty of research exists pointing to the stigma within Asian American communities associated with asking for help with mental health issues. Some studies have found that Asian cultural norms simply don’t view mental problems as important. Others have reported that participants shy away from getting help because they believe they will be seen as weak or that it will bring shame to their family.⁹
The clinical literature repeatedly laments how this keeps individuals in the Asian American community from seeking mental health treatment and leads to high drop out rates. This is an issue that must be addressed by therapists in order to provide adequate and timely support to this population. There are a number of unique stressors that Asian Americans face, including but not limited to the myth of the Model Minority and the increased level of racism and violence before and especially since the onset of the pandemic¹⁰, and it is vital that the mental health community continues to find ways to reach out to those in this group who are struggling but unable or unwilling to come forward.
This may be as or even more true for Asian Americans experiencing relationship issues and not seeking out couples therapy. In fact, doing so may be even more difficult, socially speaking, because it requires someone to first bring up the idea with their partner – already leaving them open for those stigmatizing views – and then both people agreeing to take a step that might initially make them feel shame, embarrassment, and fearful of judgment from their community.
Other barriers exist to convincing Asian Americans to seek treatment that may be tangentially related to the stigma. Many majority culture therapists either have stereotypes about Asians or misunderstand their cultural behaviors, leading to disappointment and drop outs for many couples. One of the most common misunderstandings relates to the fact that, in many Asian cultures, emotions and needs simply aren’t communicated in a way that western practitioners are familiar with.
Studies have shown that, in contrast with western counterparts, people with Asian backgrounds tend to react with more outward signs of sadness when depressed rather than fewer.¹¹ Additionally, in Asian culture, it is common to discuss problems and voice displeasure far more indirectly than in western societies, heavily relying on the person receiving the information to interpret it correctly.¹² The goal is to maintain harmony, but if it prevents the actual issue from being understood and addressed, the result can often be the opposite. Moreover, signs of emotional and psychological distress in Asian Americans are far more likely to be expressed as physical symptoms, which can make them more likely to seek out help from medical doctors rather than therapy.¹³ Because of this, we need to train and educate medical professionals to better understand both individual and relationship problems in their Asian clients and make appropriate referrals.
So, how can we encourage Asian Americans to seek out the help they need?
Tweaking Treatment to Make It More Effective for Asian Americans
One big way to encourage more Asian Americans to seek out help for relationship concerns is to make sure those who do take that step are able to receive therapy that speaks to Asian American cultural values. A proposed method of doing this involves tweaking western contextual psychotherapies to take them closer to their roots in East Asian philosophies.
For example, therapists need to become more familiar with the immigration histories, the cultural transitions and tensions among different generations of Asians, and how to bring more collectivist or eastern spiritual concepts to bear in their techniques for working with Asian clients.¹⁴
In this way, the relationship therapy itself might be made more relevant and effective for Asian Americans, increasing satisfaction and reducing dropout rates.
Refocusing the Conception of Self
Helping Asian clients navigate the internal dilemma between what they want and desire as individuals and how they must adapt to the collective values or identities is important in this population. One idea that has been presented is to help Asian clients create a distinction in their mind between the intrapsychic self who can have individual needs and desires, while expressing these needs with an interpersonal sensitivity so the client does not threaten the relationship while seeking out individual satisfaction.
Emphasizing Interdependent Goals and Values
This one can be particularly helpful in the context of a romantic relationship, as it asks the patient to move from “I” to “We” on feelings, goals, and values, focusing on the things you share and how you can help each other. Many Asian clients might confuse dependency with attachment, and have never seen healthy role models in their family or community for this idea of interdependence, where each person gets to value their personal self and needs while also maintaining a care and compassion for the other. Another concept from Bowenian therapy that might be useful here is the idea of Differentiation, which means learning to hold on to all of myself while staying in connection with all of you.
Indirect Control and Implicit Coping
With patients who are interdependent-oriented, it can be helpful to promote compassion and acceptance toward their partner, while acknowledging the strength they themselves must show in order to remain respectful and reserved. Additionally, we need to help therapists become better at attuning to this indirect means of communication. Not pathologizing their coping strategies, but helping clients be more self-aware and self-compassionate about how they learned to communicate in relationships – especially during times of stress and conflict – will be critical to the success of the relationship therapy.
The bottom line is that, much like Asian Americans are not a homogeneous group, our approach to addressing diverse cultures in therapy cannot be one-size-fits-all. We must find a way to speak to the community that encompasses their cultural worldview and seeks to build on their existing understanding of relationships.
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2. NAIDOO, J. C., & DAVIS, J. C. (1988). Canadian South Asian Women in Transition: A Dualistic View of Life. Journal of Comparative Family Studies, 19(2), 311–327. http://www.jstor.org/stable/41601382
3. Mehta, I. (2019). Love Aaj Kal: An Exploration Of South Asian American Romantic Relationship Beliefs And Behaviors.
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10. Lee, S., Juon, H. S., Martinez, G., Hsu, C. E., Robinson, E. S., Bawa, J., & Ma, G. X. (2009). Model minority at risk: expressed needs of mental health by Asian American young adults. Journal of community health, 34(2), 144–152. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10900-008-9137-1
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